i read somewhere that reading obituaries will make you appreciate life more—make you realize everyone lives plain and simple lives. it is within ourselves to seek adventure. i read about joseph lacour today in the la times obituary and to be honest, he lived a thrilling life. he went to usc and married when he was 22, served in wwii as a staff sergeant, and then began working as a planning engineer. he had recently celebrated his 70th wedding anniversary with his wife. “his love was unparalleled to others…” and im looking at this guy and im wondering how great it must be to pass away peacefully knowing you had a wonderful life. i think that itself is an accomplishment. to live in the now and appreciate the better things in life. it got me thinking.. and i realized i have this tendency to always ruin the good things in my life. or become self-destructive. im at a very good place in my life, and sometimes i let that part of me get the best of me. it’s like i intentionally want bad things to happen to me. for instance, my entire life, ive always felt like a hemingway novel. once i reach the peak of happiness, im always dragged down to the bottom. but ive been self-reflecting and what if whenever i feel dragged down, im really doing it to myself? what in my right mind would make me do that to myself? to others? what’s wrong with me?

i focus too much on the nitty gritty details, rather than focusing on the bigger picture. i’ve made it a goal to take every mistake and turn it into a lesson that im drawn to the past. i dwell on them and ponder why i never took the initiative to speak up… why i acted so cowardly… why i was so caught up in my emotions when i should’ve appreciated what i had… why i focused on the past and what could’ve/should’ve happened when i should’ve been focussing on the present. i used to be able to let things go very easily, but im living this very comfortable and mundane life… it causes me to over-think and overanalyze… its brought me to a low.

i wish there was a place here that i can go to to escape the world and people. to be free of my own thoughts. to draw boundaries between myself and others. back in la, i used to drive around aimlessly to get my head off of many things and it seemed to help. but ever since i got here, i feel just as stressed and lost as i was to begin with.

nothing you can do about it but hope you cant catch a case of the stupid.

Anonymous asked: No offense but your very intimidating you should smile more or somethin cause you look very mean.. jusayin

I get this a lot actually. I used to try to smile more often, but I guess that’s just how I am. I have a bitch face I guess, but that just means you don’t know me well enough. If i see you and I don’t smile.. you shouldn’t take it personally and assume things. I like to be genuine, so if I can’t give you a genuine smile, I won’t even try. My goal is not to please you. Don’t take it personally. People come and go, so if i’m too intimidating, you should go. This is nonsense.

Anonymous asked: wow , you're so beautiful and you got really nice hair ;p

thanks